Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
