so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
