I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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