I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
