He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
