You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
