he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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