cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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