walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
