On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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