dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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