I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
