i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
