Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
