My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
