you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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