just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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