hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
