If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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