Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
