watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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