I just threw up on my dentist
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
