This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
