I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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