i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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