1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
