She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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