I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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