im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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