i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
