Taylor Swift is so right about you.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Randomize
