I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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