I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
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I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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