I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
