So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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