Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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