mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
