We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
