so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
