and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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