well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
