I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
