You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
