My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
