My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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