I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
