totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
