if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
