I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
