Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
