Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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