your parents love me but you hate me
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
