my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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