Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
