Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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