I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
where are my eyebrows?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
