I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
