I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Quick, to the slutcave!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
