I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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