you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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