If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
