I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
