No awkward lesbian experiences without me
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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