I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
